A Thug's Primer

Victor Davis Hanson offers advice to would-be thugs and dictators on how to become enamoured by the Left.

How strange that our rather nondescript, sober friends abroad do not garner attention from the current administration, yet overt enemies in Cuba, Nicaragua, Iran, Venezuela, and the West Bank most certainly do. Is there some covert code of conduct known to these dictators that allows them to win a pass from supposedly liberal Americans, who profess to value human rights, religious tolerance, and consensual government?

Here’s a tutorial for up-and-coming thugs abroad, who wish to ingratiate themselves with Western elites, not worry about “legitimacy,” and not have someone meddle in their affairs.

DRESS MATTERS
Remember: Wear anything but a suit and tie. (Look at the drab Western wannabes Maliki and Netanyahu, and see what their suits got them.) The Iranian no-tie look impresses a lot of Americans, as it “makes a statement” that you are not part of a global conformist class, but instead deliberately challenge the norms of bourgeois dress.

The full-length robe works too, given the Western image of the Gandhian Holy Man (the one-bare-shoulder look is preferable to the Saudi trailing style). Better still is the Mao-style wardrobe that allows you to appear as if you just left an organizing rally on the shop floor.

If you must go the touchy military route, please avoid the four-star-general look, with gold braid, sunglasses, and high-crested, bronze-starred hat. Remember, you are still a private in spirit. If you insist on braid and medals, then no higher than a colonel’s: a man of the barracks who leads the rank-and-file in a global war against capitalism.

Best of all are camouflage, boots, and a baseball-type cap, in the manner of Castro and Chávez. The olive-drab jump suit of Kim Jong Il doesn’t cut it. If one insists on the caudillo persona, then do it with wacky flair, as did Qaddafi — that is, be more a goofy, braided Michael Jackson moonwalker than a grim-peacock shah or Pinochet.

DON’T FORGET GROOMING
Try the perpetual three-day beard, Arafat-style, as if you’re always shaving in the field with your comrades. Next best is mangy facial hair, à la Ahmadinejad, which suggests you once were an artist, novelist, or dissident of some sort. Castro’s bushy beard and curls also convey an admirable defiance of the man in the gray flannel suit. In South America and the Middle East, the black moustache alone will do. Che-style hair and beard do well for the revolutionary phase, but they should be tamed to the Daniel Ortega half-bad look once you’ve taken over the government.

Again, watch the sunglasses: They evoke a Greek colonel or South American strongman. Go instead with the nerd look of a 1950s intellectual: plastic rims on top, bare glass on the bottom. The more studious, the more bookish — the more you can jail. Think Allende or Trotsky, not Somoza.

SPEECH CODES
Don’t use the hobgoblin word Communism: It’s always socialism when you nationalize, steal property, take over businesses, shoot protestors, and shut down newspapers. Stay on message: The enemy is “globalization,” capitalism, imperialism, racism, sexism, and always the United States. Be sure to use the buzz words “democracy” or “republic” in all your briefings, as in “The People’s Republic of . . . ” or “The Democratic Federation of . . . ” Throw in “rule of law” and “constitution” anytime you shoot more than 100; evoke an Egyptian novelist, Martin Luther King, or Nelson Mandela when you send out the tanks. Abu Ghraib cannot be overused.

If in doubt about what resonates in the West, pick up a course catalogue online from UC Santa Cruz or Vassar, and just cut and paste some course descriptions into your next communiqué. Always play offense: It is Mossadeq, Bay of Pigs, United Fruit, Exxon, Vietnam, and Guantanamo all the time.

Don’t be afraid to dig up any fossil you can. One stale My Lai reference still gets you a pass for 1,000 jailed; an Abu Ghraib is worth 5,000 in your gulag. Play full-court press until the U.S. cracks and turns it over with, “I’m sorry for slavery, the Native American genocide, the A-bomb, Dresden, ethnically profiled airport security, the Klan, the Greek coup . . . ” Once the Americans start blabbering, they won’t stop — and you can step up the killing, jailing, and torturing without much worry.

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