Prius operating instructions...

Living Up to Your Prius
by Bruce McCall

As morally superior citizens of planet Earth, we Prius owners consider it our duty to keep finding new ways to enlighten those eco-heathens who are still floundering in the eco-darkness, even as our cars sometimes fail to decelerate when the brake pedal is depressed, a violation of Newton’s third law of motion, caused by global warming. Herewith, some suggestions from the “Things to Do with Your Prius” message board.

Make up a definition of the word “Prius”—for example, “Ancient Greek for making the air so clean you can see the gods frolicking on Mt. Olympus from the island of Rhodes”—and put it on a bumper sticker for your Prius.

Sidle up to an S.U.V. driver at the gas-station counter and make a show of paying for your fill-up from a jar of pennies.

Use your cross-talk minute in this month’s Tantric-gardening class to share the word that social anthropologists focussing on the transportation sector recommend heli-dropping new Priuses into the Amazon rain forest, one per tribe, thereby giving these first-generation drivers an eco-savvy head start over those in more developed regions of the world who are still shackled to the total-petroleum mind-set.

Paper local college bulletin boards with copies of the epochal 2008 Vermont Free Sperm Collective study finding that babies conceived in the back seats of Priuses have I.Q.s thirty points higher than those conceived in the back seats of conventional gasoline-powered cars, as recently seen on “Maury.”

Take a cell-phone photograph of your spouse washing the new Prius with biodegradable, phosphate-free, ninety-three per cent pure peppermint soap and flash it at the entrance of the next Save the Dandelions banquet. It’ll get you free admission plus an extra goody bag.

Send an e-mail to every parent in your school car-pool group, saying that you regret that you cannot allow your child to ride in any vehicle but a Prius for fear that he or she will develop scaly facial and upper-body “Detroit pustules.”

At the next Luther Burbank Day vegan barbecue and weed roast, back your Prius up to within a few feet of the folks lounging on the grass, with the engine running, and explain that its super-clean exhaust system is actually freshening the air.

Organize Prius-owner-only Sunday rallies to visit electric power stations, recycling centers, pit-bull rehabilitation facilities, and wind farms, followed by a gourmet brunch of non-processed, sustainably grown raw foods in a leather-free venue.

Challenge all the drivers in your neighborhood to an economy run a hundred times around the block, with first prize being a coupon good for one free colonic. (If you’ve had a colonic recently, consider donating the prize to your local homeless shelter.) ♦Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2010/04/19/100419sh_shouts_mccall?printable=true#ixzz0l5m2O4KJ