Curiosity stops at the Crescent's door

Sharks Are Not Misunderstood Dolphins, and Islam Is Not a Religion of Peace

By Kevin DuJan

I've often been told rumors from very old, wise people about a time, long before I was born, when "Saturday Night Live" was both funny and relevant. It's hard to believe, but in those unimaginably distant days deep into the past, Chevy Chase played a Land Shark who wore various disguises in attempts to break into people's apartments and eat them. When subterfuge and gimmicks failed, he just lied and told various idiots he was a dolphin.

[Knock, knock]

"Who's there? It's not that Land Shark I've heard about, is it?"

"Nope. Just a candygram, Ma'am."

"Candygram? I've never heard of such a thing. I think you are that Land Shark."

"No, Ma'am. I am just a misunderstood dolphin."

"A dolphin? Well, okay then. No cause for alarm if you are only a dolphin. I certainly wouldn't want to appear to be species-ist by having reservations about trusting a dolphin."

In case you haven't seen it in late-night reruns, that scene ends with a monstrous foam shark head bursting through the door to devour Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, Lily Tomlin, and other unsuspecting New York City victims in one hungry gulp.

Whenever there's a new Islamic terrorist attack somewhere in the world (and that's somewhat redundantly phrased because just about the only terrorist attacks that occur in this world are Islamic, unless of course you have heard of murder sprees the Amish and Buddhists often go on whenever someone draws a cartoon they don't like or names a dog after a self-proclaimed prophet they revere...oh wait, no, those are Muslims who do that, as usual...never mind), I always think of this dusty old SNL skit. The American media deliberately plays the role of stunned bystander shocked that there really was a Land Shark at the door.

The idiots.

No matter how many times the delusional fools in the American media try to convince you otherwise, sharks are not misunderstood dolphins, and Islam is not a religion of peace.

I think that even the media knows this, on some level, because I've noticed that few journalists ever cover Islamic terror attacks the way they'd report on other murder sprees and tragedies committed by non-Muslims.

In the case of the latter, great effort is made to explain precisely why someone like Jared Lee Loughner picked up a gun, killed six, and injured a dozen more in his assassination attempt on Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. His parents, friends, teachers, distant relatives, acquaintances, and kindergarten teacher, and a kid who sat next to him for an hour and a half on the ride to summer camp fifteen years ago, are all scrutinized for clues into his behavior, then blamed for being bad influences on him. The media stokes an abusive outrage against these people -- the parents in particular -- for not catching the warning signs that could have prevented these murders. Simultaneously, the media and the left join together in politicizing the tragedy, invoking Rahm Emanuel's corollary to the Alinsky Rules for Radicals that no good crisis should go to waste. This means that in addition to the people a murderer like Loughner actually knew, the entire conservative movement in this country must also be held responsible for this single man's actions, including people Loughner never met, spoke to, or even knew much about, like Governor Sarah Palin.

When a Muslim commits an act of mass-murdering terrorism, in contrast, the left does not camp out in front of the shooter/assassin/bomber's home and scrutinize every person he ever in his life came in contact with and blame them all for his actions. Instead, the media personalities report on acts of terrorism the way they do shark attacks.

When great whites gobble a surfer or menace a beach somewhere, the media runs footage of vacationers running screaming from the water, family members of the victims shocked and in tears huddled together by the lifeguard station, and plenty of stock footage of ambulances racing to hospitals with helicopters overhead surveying the carnage.

No effort is made to track down the family of the sharks responsible for the attacks, and not much effort at all is made to get inside the mind of the sharks to figure out why they did what they did, or to pretend Governor Palin was behind it after all, just as everyone in the media suspected. Palin is behind everything, you know, except the things the media likes, which she's singlehandedly responsible for making less likable just because she's breathing. Always breathing, somewhere, living rent-free in the media's nightmares.

There is no attempt in the media to connect shark attacks to any political ideology, because the sharks are of course brutes composed entirely of teeth, fins, and bite, churning the waters with blood, guts, and foam because that's just what sharks do. Everyone accepts that, even the most delusional bleeding hearts in the media ranks.

Sharks are just animals. Animals like sharks kill people sometimes. It's horrific and frightening, but there's no one to blame. After a day in the headlines, it's back to reporting on how terrible the Tea Party is and how Governor Palin hunts werewolves from helicopters she, Todd, and her children make themselves in their backyard in Wasilla -- or some other nonsense the likes of Ashley Judd are bound to parrot at the next red-carpet gala. "Did you hear what Sarah Palin did now?" Because the entire Palin family has been ascribed everything the media elite detest about regular, hardworking Americans, including the twisted fixation the media has on the conceit that these regular Americans are virulent racists.

But have you realized how intensely condescending and bigoted the left is toward Muslims in all of its reporting? The actions of a non-Muslim mass murderer like Loughner are pinned on everyone he ever met (and conservatives like Governor Palin whom he never in fact met), but the carnage caused by Muslims and sharks alike isn't blamed on anyone or anything and just chalked up to "tragedy." Nothing more to see here, just move along now, and stay out of the water or don't get on an airplane for a while, and you'll be just fine.

The reason terrorist attacks are reported on with the same style of coverage reserved for shark attacks is because the left sees both sharks and Muslims as just dumb animals who do what they do, unexpectedly, in gruesome fashion, without any blame assigned for their actions.

Sharks aren't people who can be held accountable for what they do -- and neither are Muslims in the eyes of the left.

When is the last time you saw MSNBC devote hour-long news specials to the parents, friends, teachers, and other relatives of Muslim terrorists responsible for mass murders and assorted bombings? When was the last time CNN scheduled an in-depth look into the Koran and the very clear recipes for murder and mayhem contained in its instructive pages? Probably about the last time the Discovery Channel set aside a night of Shark Week to explore the familial relations of the deep's apex predators and why their behavior is influenced by blowfish with chalkboards or barracudas who put targets on treasure maps at the bottom of the sea.

If a big story about some explosive, horrific event comes knocking at the door, rest assured the New York Times and rest of the dinosaur media will first ask if a Muslim's involved before they decide on the course and tone of their coverage.

If it's a member of the "Religion of Peace" who blew dozens to pieces, then the trusty old shark attack template for reporting is dusted off, with no blame assigned to anyone or anything for this lone animal's aggressive actions.

If it's anyone at all with a link to conservatism who held the gun or lit the fuse, especially anyone connected to Governor Palin, no matter how remotely, then the story is covered obsessively, for months, with the full resources of the Gray Lady dumped into an indictment of every Republican less than a thousand miles away from the scene of the crime.

It is as predictable and tired as a stale old "Saturday Night Live" skit.

Only it's half as funny, and ten times as stomach-turningly tragic.