Dialing 1-800-F**K-YOU
By Stella Paul
I just had the worst dream. I was standing center stage, eager to unveil my fancy new website. I pressed the button; the website crashed, and 7 billion people started laughing at me.
Do you think Obama ever had that dream? Nah, neither do I. Images like that spring from an inborn sense of accountability, a drive to make good on promises and to earn genuine respect.
The last time Obama sought to earn genuine respect was when he invented "roof hits" with his pot-smoking Choom Gang.
And ever since those high times in Hawaii, our Stoner Emeritus has trafficked in hustle, fraud, and thuggery, each mysteriously charmed step of the way.
So what did Obama hope to achieve with his 2,700-page poison pill of ObamaCare?
Simple. Cast your mind back to that golden age one month ago, before you were forced to spend countless precious hours of your mortal life, trying to log onto a $500-million dysfunctional website.
Twas then that Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius summoned the media to proclaim the coming glories of ObamaCare. And, lo, the miracle of "health-care" reform arose through the shimmering mists, as she revealed its national hotline number: 1-800-F**K-YO.
And that, dear readers, is the point of the whole shebang.
16 million of you have lost insurance and don't know how you'll get health care for you and your loved ones? Well, 1-800-F**K-YOU.
Your premiums have doubled, trebled, quadrupled, and you don't see how to put food on the table and pay for insurance? Let's make things perfectly clear: 1-800-F**K-YOU.
Doctors quitting? Hospitals shedding staff? Medical device companies taxed to ruination? The entire insurance business destroyed? Millions of jobs lost or stomped into part-time, to comply with ObamaCare regulations? Hey, fellow Americans, 1-800-F**K-YOU.
Fined for not buying a product that you can't buy, because our website doesn't work? Forced to buy it, and we're not, because we gave ourselves a magic exemption? A hale and hearty 1-800-F**K-YOU. We work for Great and Godly Government, got that?
And we're so confident that we can shove this toxic stew down your gullets that here's what we're going to do.
We're not making any deals about defunding or delaying, no matter how catastrophic we know our website will be. Of course not!
Instead, we're shutting down the United States government. We're paying government workers to put up barricades in front of open-air war memorials to keep out 90-year-old war heroes.
We're sending riot police to threaten veterans in wheelchairs to make sure they don't get away with paying respect to their fallen brethren.
We're closing Yellowstone Park and locking up elderly tourists under armed guard. Then we're making them travel 2.5 hours out of the park, forbidding them to stop at private bathrooms along the way.
You want us to explain how forcing Japanese tourists to go in their pants will help even one sick child? OK, we'll explain: 1-800-F**K-YOU. That's how.
We're threatening to arrest Catholic priests who celebrate mass on military bases, leaving some of America's bravest without religious services. Why threaten Catholic priests and not Protestant ministers? Because 1-800-F**K-YOU. That's why.
We're forcing senior citizens with walkers and scooters to leave their fully-paid-for homes, and we're demanding that legitimate private charities and businesses close their operations. What statute allows us to arbitrarily evict American citizens from their homes and business? Statute 1-800-F**K-YOU. That statute.
We're blocking access to graveyards and forcing children to take dangerous "white knuckle" rides to school. Want your kids to be safe when they travel? Well, we want ObamaCare "for the children." So 1-800-F**K-YOU.
You think you can brush us off? You think you can stop us? Haven't you figured out we're not playing that kind of game? This whole witches brew of ObamaCare was dreamed up in jail by a Congresswoman's husband, doing time for 16 counts of bank fraud. You think we want it to work?
We've got our hands on every lever of power in the greatest country in the world. We've steamrolled our way to $17 trillion in debt, and now we're spending money to cover up Mount Rushmore to force Americans to buy a product they don't want from a website that doesn't work -- and nobody has arrested us yet or led us away in a net.
Now pick up that phone and start calling.
Do you think Obama ever had that dream? Nah, neither do I. Images like that spring from an inborn sense of accountability, a drive to make good on promises and to earn genuine respect.
The last time Obama sought to earn genuine respect was when he invented "roof hits" with his pot-smoking Choom Gang.
And ever since those high times in Hawaii, our Stoner Emeritus has trafficked in hustle, fraud, and thuggery, each mysteriously charmed step of the way.
So what did Obama hope to achieve with his 2,700-page poison pill of ObamaCare?
Simple. Cast your mind back to that golden age one month ago, before you were forced to spend countless precious hours of your mortal life, trying to log onto a $500-million dysfunctional website.
Twas then that Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius summoned the media to proclaim the coming glories of ObamaCare. And, lo, the miracle of "health-care" reform arose through the shimmering mists, as she revealed its national hotline number: 1-800-F**K-YO.
And that, dear readers, is the point of the whole shebang.
16 million of you have lost insurance and don't know how you'll get health care for you and your loved ones? Well, 1-800-F**K-YOU.
Your premiums have doubled, trebled, quadrupled, and you don't see how to put food on the table and pay for insurance? Let's make things perfectly clear: 1-800-F**K-YOU.
Doctors quitting? Hospitals shedding staff? Medical device companies taxed to ruination? The entire insurance business destroyed? Millions of jobs lost or stomped into part-time, to comply with ObamaCare regulations? Hey, fellow Americans, 1-800-F**K-YOU.
Fined for not buying a product that you can't buy, because our website doesn't work? Forced to buy it, and we're not, because we gave ourselves a magic exemption? A hale and hearty 1-800-F**K-YOU. We work for Great and Godly Government, got that?
And we're so confident that we can shove this toxic stew down your gullets that here's what we're going to do.
We're not making any deals about defunding or delaying, no matter how catastrophic we know our website will be. Of course not!
Instead, we're shutting down the United States government. We're paying government workers to put up barricades in front of open-air war memorials to keep out 90-year-old war heroes.
We're sending riot police to threaten veterans in wheelchairs to make sure they don't get away with paying respect to their fallen brethren.
We're closing Yellowstone Park and locking up elderly tourists under armed guard. Then we're making them travel 2.5 hours out of the park, forbidding them to stop at private bathrooms along the way.
You want us to explain how forcing Japanese tourists to go in their pants will help even one sick child? OK, we'll explain: 1-800-F**K-YOU. That's how.
We're threatening to arrest Catholic priests who celebrate mass on military bases, leaving some of America's bravest without religious services. Why threaten Catholic priests and not Protestant ministers? Because 1-800-F**K-YOU. That's why.
We're forcing senior citizens with walkers and scooters to leave their fully-paid-for homes, and we're demanding that legitimate private charities and businesses close their operations. What statute allows us to arbitrarily evict American citizens from their homes and business? Statute 1-800-F**K-YOU. That statute.
We're blocking access to graveyards and forcing children to take dangerous "white knuckle" rides to school. Want your kids to be safe when they travel? Well, we want ObamaCare "for the children." So 1-800-F**K-YOU.
You think you can brush us off? You think you can stop us? Haven't you figured out we're not playing that kind of game? This whole witches brew of ObamaCare was dreamed up in jail by a Congresswoman's husband, doing time for 16 counts of bank fraud. You think we want it to work?
We've got our hands on every lever of power in the greatest country in the world. We've steamrolled our way to $17 trillion in debt, and now we're spending money to cover up Mount Rushmore to force Americans to buy a product they don't want from a website that doesn't work -- and nobody has arrested us yet or led us away in a net.
Now pick up that phone and start calling.
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