Monday, December 13, 2010

Good satire

New WikiLeaks Document Dump Targets Liberal Media – Part 1

Washington Times – Off-the-record exchanges and thousands of confidential e-mails dating back almost four years reveal that high-profile journalists have been aiding and advising President Obama since he announced his candidacy in early 2007.

Provided by WikiLeaks to the Washington Times, the material was originally discovered by a cleaning lady at CNN. Surfing on Wolf Blitzer’s computer during her 4:00 a.m. break, Emalina Ortiz inadvertently opened a window to “BO-WeServe”–a private forum for journalists supporting Obama’s campaign and, later, his administration’s agenda.

[1]

Shocked by what she read, Ortiz impulsively copied the archives to a flash drive and mailed it to WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange, a man she had heard Blitzer describe in his broadcasts as “a hero, someone who is not afraid to shine a light into the sewer to see what’s floating around down there.”

Spokesmen from the New York Times, the Washington Post, ABC, CBS, NBC, and CNN blasted Assange for exposing communications that linked Obama’s rise and governance to support from and tutelage by some of the biggest names in journalism.

In a brief phone interview, Times Managing Editor Bill Keller railed: “The cheeky sumbitch actually asked me if I wanted to break the story. Said I could run it with a ‘Who watches the watchers?’ angle. What the hell’s the matter with Assange? He knows the rules: we’re leaked to, not on. Only the Times destroys reputations with impunity and immunity. He crossed a line coming after us.”

A sampling of the e-mails:

From: BKeller@TheTimesSheIsaChanging.com

To: OhMama08@IMD1.net

Date: September 19, 2007

Subject: Iraq

Stop waffling on Iraq, Senator. Raise the ante. Pledge to airlift out the entire American presence to Okinawa within two days after your oath. It’ll be the Berlin Blockade in reverse, a shining example of American ingenuity. How does ”Operation Iraq Excursion” sound?

From: kcouric@seebs.com

To: OhMama08@IMD1.net

Date: May 1, 2008

Subject: Hillary

Hillary’s a pit bull, Senator; you’re a poodle. You schmooze with a glass of Zinfandel; she throws down a shot and a beer. Change perceptions, sir. Go to a bar in Trenton, play setback with the locals, get falling-down drunk. And if you order a bitters, don’t cling to it.

Also, Bill’s been quiet. Get under his skin so he pops. How about a 3:00 a.m. Oval Office ad with a Hillary lookalike yelling at someone just off camera, ”I warned you! Starting Monday, all the interns will be male.”

From: WBlitzer@CdoubleN.com

To: OhMama08@IMD1.net

Date: August 24, 2008

Subject: Energy

Engineer a spike in gas prices before the election, sir. The Saudis will curtail production if you ask. They’ll want a quid pro quo. Promise you’ll support the construction of a major mosque somewhere in Manhattan.

[2]

Also, McCain’s getting mileage from that goofy $300 million “better car battery” contest he’s proposing. Trump him: offer $500 million tax-free to whoever discovers how to turn seawater into gasoline. If, g-d forbid, someone actually does it, arrange for a few Chicago boys to fit him with cement shoes before he goes public.

To: OhMama2012@IMD1.net

From: From: BWilliams@ZenBC.com

Date: August 18, 2009

Subject: Democrats’ Resistance to Jettisoning Public Option

Pelosi and Reid are playing power games, sir. Short term, push back; long term, throw them under the bus by usurping their roles.

Run for your old Senate seat next year. Grab Emanuel’s House seat as well. Illinoisans will realize they’ll have an even more powerful voice in Washington if they entrust you with these offices.

Once elected, use presidential influence to replace Reid as Majority Leader and Pelosi as Speaker. Then, citing executive imperatives, waive the rule that you must be on the floor to vote.

A guy in Legal tells me that nothing in the Constitution prevents you from holding multiple offices and chewing gum at the same time.

Yes, the wingnuts will scream “power grab!” So what? Use the Trinity analogy to muddy the waters: explain that you’d be, simultaneously, one politician in three persons and three politicians in one person. Let Constitutional theologians sort it out.

From: CGibsonAB@Sea.com

To: OhMama2012@IMD1.net
Date: November 1, 2009

Subject: Iran

You really are a wuss on Iran, sir. Everybody just laughs when you say, “All options are on the table.” The only things on the table are your elbows. Time to get tough.

[3]

I suggest you order the NSA to jam satellite broadcasts of Dancing with the Stars and Days of Our Lives into Iran. Give it a week. If a U. N. team is not granted full access to the country’s nuclear facilities, assume control of their entire broadcast network and show Fiddler on the Roof 24/7 until the mullahs cry uncle.

From: DMilbank@wishywashypost.com

To: OhMama2012@IMD1.net

Date: November 23, 2010

Subject: TSA

The TSA is ticking everyone off, sir, and it’s all coming back on you. Reduce public frustration by allowing every 10th passenger an aggressive pat down of a gender-of-their-choice TSA agent.

Scrap the air marshal program to cut costs. Instead, have DOJ lawyers deputize and brief passengers before takeoffs on rules of engagement with suicide bombers.

In Part 2 of New WikiLeaks Document Dump Targets Liberal Media, BO-WeServers discuss the people’s right not to know.


Article printed from Big Journalism: http://bigjournalism.com

URL to article: http://bigjournalism.com/sgrammatico/2010/12/12/new-wikileaks-document-dump-targets-liberal-media-part-1/

URLs in this post:

[1] Image: http://bigjournalism.com/files/2010/12/Cleaning-Lady.jpg

[2] Image: http://bigjournalism.com/files/2010/12/Blitzer.jpg

[3] Image: http://bigjournalism.com/files/2010/12/Gibson.jpg

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