A checklist for the voter

Thirty-six Reasons to Vote Democrat

By C. Edmund Wright

In the spirit of bipartisanship, I humbly offer this learning tool to help folks decide whether or not they really do want to vote Democrat in the 2010 midterms.

1. If you want the American government to be feared by the American people -- but laughed at by Hugo Chávez and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- vote Democrat.
2. If you want to agree with John Kerry that American voters are stupid and distracted and uninformed -- vote Democrat.
3. If you moved your 7-million-dollar yacht to Rhode Island to avoid taxes -- vote Democrat.
4. If you want a "dude" president -- and not the shining city on a hill -- vote Democrat.
5. If you want to pay through the nose in taxes until you are 70 so union thugs in purple shirts can retire in security at age 50 -- vote Democrat.
6. If you like the fact that people who actually know the Constitution get laughed at by people who are ignorant of it -- vote Democrat.
7. If you want the entire country to be like Detroit, Philadelphia, New York, New Orleans, Chicago -- vote Democrat.
8. If you fear the Chamber of Commerce more than you do the Ground Zero Mosque -- vote Democrat.
9. If you think liberalism and socialism have done a good job of managing the incredibly beautiful and rich state of California, vote Democrat.
10. If you want a government bureaucrat, who can no doubt access your voter registration records, to determine whether or not you get a hip replacement or a cancer treatment -- vote Democrat.
11. If you want to pay six dollars a gallon for gas -- vote Democrat.
12. If you want electricity bills to "necessarily skyrocket" -- vote Democrat.
13. If you think America deserved what it got on 9-11 -- and that we can handle another such attack -- vote Democrat.
14. If you think that Club Gitmo, which was not even operational on 9-11, is why "they hate us" -- vote Democrat.
15. If you think our economy will boom with government bureaucrats making twice what similar folks make in the private sector -- vote Democrat.
16. If you think there's nothing wrong with Jerry Brown admitting that the last time he ran for governor of California, he "had no plan" -- vote Democrat.
17. If you think anything has changed about Jerry Brown and his plans -- vote Democrat.
18. If you liked Richard Blumenthal's answer in the Connecticut debate on "how to create a job" -- vote Democrat.
19. Actually, if you can even decipher Blumenthal's answer about creating a job -- vote Democrat.
20. If you think Michelle Obama actually added value to the health care system with her no-show three-hundred-thousand-dollar job in Chicago -- vote Democrat.
21. If you think John Edwards is sexy -- regardless of your gender -- vote Democrat.
22. If you think civil rights means that all white Americans are by definition guilty and all African-Americans are by definition innocent, vote Democrat.
23. If you are stupid enough to think that being against a Federal Department of Education is the same as being against education -- vote Democrat.
24. If you want to vote the same way the dead are voting -- vote Democrat.
25. If you want to vote the same way the felons are voting -- vote Democrat.
26. If you like the fact that our military men and women are being disenfranchised -- vote Democrat.
27. If you think Cuba is a success story -- vote Democrat.
28. If you think that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac crashing the housing market is an example of "unfettered capitalism" and a failure of the free market, then vote Democrat.
29. If you think that smart businesspeople will sit around and let our government tax them out of existence before they move their operations overseas -- vote Democrat.
30. If you think it helps you if your boss gets hit with a huge tax bill -- vote Democrat.
31. If Chris Matthews gives you a tingle up your leg -- instead of an upset stomach - then vote Democrat.
32. If you think insurance companies can lower rates, pay for every small medical item -- and every preexisting condition -- and every illegal alien -- and stay in business -- vote Democrat.
33. If you agree with the French union protesters upset about having to delay retirement for two years to age 62 -- vote Democrat.
34. If you think a rally sponsored by Arianna Huffington, the SEIU, and the DNC is a non-political rally -- vote Democrat.
35. If you think electric cars are the answer because they don't use energy -- vote Democrat.
36. If you don't want Nancy Pelosi to retire -- vote Democrat.

I hope this has helped any undecided voters.